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by Brent J. Atkinson
This book is great for anyone involved in a serious relationship. It explains, in a clear manner, the biological reasons for emotional reactions and a step by step method to change established patterns of negative interactions. The author's theory provides research and factual information to intirgue a logical thinker as well as someone more driven by feelings and emotions.
This book is a good and interesting presentation of the concept of emotional intelligence as related to couples. The chapters devoted to neuroscience seemed appropriately complete without being overwhelming.
Atkinson includes several appendices that provide lots of information regarding his approach to marriage and a very clear outline for what happens in his model.
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Index of More Articles about EQ and Relationships
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"But after a while we finally realized that these conversations weren't as mundane as they first seemed," says the University of Washington marital and relationship researcher. "We were seeing how people were making BIDS for emotional connection with their partner and how they responded to those BIDS."
These transactions - making and responding to emotional BIDS for connection - are at the core of Gottman's new book, "The Relationship Cure."
Gottman says people don't get married, make friends, or try to maintain ties with siblings to have those relationships fail. Yet many fail because people don't pay enough attention to the emotional needs of others.
For example, research from his apartment lab showed that husbands who eventually were divorced ignored the BIDS from their wives 82 percent of the time compared to 19 percent for men in stable marriages. Women who later divorced ignored their husband's BIDS 50 percent of the time while those who remained married only disregarded 14 percent of their husband's BIDS.
Gottman says his research also shows that BIDS and turns help regulate conflict between people. Many conflicts are about the "conversation that never took place but needed to," a conversation that was fundamentally about emotional connection.
All of these BIDS are needs that are expressed by an individual's emotional command system, a concept recently developed by Jaak Panksepp, a Bowling Green State University neuroscientist. He found that there are at least seven specific systems (we believe there are nine, the nine Temperaments) in the brains of all mammals that coordinate the emotional, behavioral and physical responses needed for functions related to survival, such as rest, self-defense and procreation.
They gave these systems (Temperaments) descriptive names:
Commander-in-Chief = Temperament 8
The Commander-in-Chief, for example, is the emotional command system that coordinates functions related to dominance, control and power, while the Sentry directs matters pertaining to worry, fear, vigilance and defense. People, says Gottman, differ in how much they like to have each of these systems activated, and understanding how your comfort levels differ from other people's can be significant when you make a bid for connection.
"BIDS are about expressing needs and they all fall into one of these command systems," he says. "From doing therapy, I've noticed that a lot of people are not emotionally aware. They don't notice or are unaware of what their partner is saying. This is emotional illiteracy. They are unable to read a facial expression or voice.
The system of BIDS and turns and emotional command systems works broadly across all kinds of relationships, not only marriage, according to Gottman. And opportunities for making and responding to BIDS abound. A typical happy couple may make 100 BIDS over the course of the dinner hour. BIDS also can be as ordinary as an encounter in the grocery store.
"The clerk may say to you, 'How are you?' You can say, 'Fine' and that's it. Or you can say, "Great, how are you?'" says Gottman. "That's a pretty ordinary conversation and most exchanges with strangers seem trivial. But they enhance life, make life seem more pleasant and give you a different sense of the world around you when people turn toward you."
The key is to treat people according to their Temperaments. The better you understand their temperament, then these BIDS and responses are critical because they are what builds the relationships.
This Program was developed by the Just Wait Foundation a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit corporation to prevent drug, alcohol, and tobacco problems among teenagers. The Foundation provides one-year scholarships (two semesters) at a Community College or $1000 award to teens that completes the 4 year Just Wait Teen™ Positive Youth Development Program, obtains a GED, or graduates from high school - alcohol, tobacco, and drug free. The Just Wait Foundation has arranged to use of 80 acres to raise fruit and vegetables to finance the scholarships
We offer free training for any person or group that wants to start this program in their community.
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Index of Articles about Emotional Intelligience
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